Introduction
I just picked up a lighting desk. It's a mobile one (nothing more than a computer-in-a-touch-screen with a bunch of sliders attached), but it's still quite heavy. I carry it from the storage to the bus, and ride the bus home. It's about time for lunch. I have a show next week that I should really start programming for, I haven't even designed the stage yet. I really don't feel like getting started.
Well home I grab lunch, reluctantly do the dishes, and then sit down for a second at the table. I start counting the things I should be doing today. Practice playing the launchpad. Do my anki cards. Practice playing the piano. Study electricity and magnetism. Study derivates. I have a test for both in two weeks. I really don't feel like doing any of the things.
I stare through a few youtube videos, and I start writing on the post. I don't feel like doing anything. Even playing games feels unappealing. I still feel like I have to do everything listed. I feel like I have to do all of it right now.
Boredom
It's not really boredom either. I do not feel like any of the tasks are boring to do, I just don't feel like doing them. I do feel like I have to do them. Some of them I very much have to do, I'll fail school if I don't study for the exams, and there won't be a light show unless I do my job and program the show. But it's the same with doing my cards and playing instruments, I feel like I have to do those as well. Not like they're a fun thing, but rather something I have to do. I don't feel like doing any of them.
I feel like I have to do something. I don't want to do anything. That's restlessness, isn't it?
But that's alright, doesn't everybody feel like that? Isn't that where the whole "you just have to push through" thing comes from? Isn't it so that the motivation comes after you have pushed through the bother at the start, and then things actually become fun? I'm not entirely sure, the things I've enjoyed I have mostly enjoyed from the start. Some tasks have been crummy (like mixing a whole damn album at once). Or maybe not crummy, but rather exhausting. Things I actually enjoy doing have become to much after I have over-indulged, or attempted to create more than I actually have capacity to be. That does sound like exhaustion rather than actually not enjoying it.
But now I feel like I'm exhausted by EVERYTHING. Nothing feels like it's appealing, and everything feels like I've overindulged in it. And yet I feel like I am doing too little. I think I need a fucking break. I'll just have to finish everything first.
Solving problems
There is a wonderful talk by Rich Hickey called Hamock Driven Development. It's about how to solve problems with design, and how to come up with good design. First you fill your brain with smart stuff (read, essentially). Then you spend time pondering the things that you have read, and then when you have a good idea you execute, and actually implement the design you have come up with.
I realize that what I have been trying to do is to take in a lot of information and also working a lot. I've been skipping the ponder stage, and I think it's been kicking my ass for the last two years. I haven't been taking the time to rest and think about the things that I do. I'm always caught up in trying to do more and more and more, so I don't have time to actually take a break. My stress levels have without a doubt hit levels that aren't reasonable or sustainable. And currently, I'm not actually getting anything done anyways.
I'll go and nap on the sofa. It seems like the most productive thing to do.